Hmm, a lot has happened ever since first year college. Back then I was what? I think playing CABAL Online. Shy as hell to the people I meet. Not really out of my comfort zone, which is home by the way. And I have a serious relationship, well, sort of. And rushing to today, what do you see? I think I may have improved a bit. Why, you say? Well, firstly, I got over CABAL Online and made way to Granado Espada. Haha, well not an improvement there I guess. I am still a shy boy, although grabbing the opportunity to be a Peer Facilitator is a big step for me to get over my shyness. And the comfort zone. Well, the comfort zone is not visited much, but yeah right now I’m in it because it’s sembreak and I don’t have any money stored in. And this is me reaching out of my comfort zone.
*hand reaching out*
So supposedly you are finding a story I would tell today? I have 2 I guess, for this time of the day. One was way back from my semester ender and one just recently which just came up from my bestfriend Sam. Which goes first? It would be better if I told you what Sam and I just had a talk on.
It was around 9pm I think, Sam got bored and IM’d me. He said he was so bored that he wanted a little chit-chat. Well, of course I was there, I am always online when I am awake. So he asked how I was and I said fine overall, and partially, depending on certain topics at hand. I then told him also to ask me questions to have the deeper meaning to the word about how I am in “particular”. And as you may guessed, it was, again, about love. He asked how my heart was, and honestly, I said it is fine. He said he was glad that I was recovering pretty fast and I told him that I learned through it by experience. As far as this blog goes, I’ve had 7 heartbreaks before I had a girlfriend and 4 more after we broke up, so it’s not really hard to recover from the instances. But then Sam asked me another question before he went away. Why was I falling fast than any other person that he knew. I choked at frist, it was unexpected. Well, not really ’cause he had been meaning to ask that, I figured when we were chit-chatting in school. The first thing that came through my mind was my passwords. My passwords are vaguely about the girl I’m into. Of course not just that, I have on secret on my part included so it’s not really easy to hack. He was famished and laughed at the point I was making and asked me to reinstate more. Then I dug deeper and found inside, that they are my inspiration in life. And there goes Sam, thinking that there maybe a deeper context to what I was saying. So I just said, I just imagine everything better with a girl by my side. He stopped there and said, quoting, I thought may deeper meaning pa na madrama, na nakakagualt or what not, wala naman pala. Then he left in a hurry, I think he had to sleep that time. From that digging, I found myself thinking about the last question that was pin dropped at me back then.
Why was everything failing. Why was when everytime I liked a girl, becomes a bit mutual, then tell them how I feel, suddenly it turns around like magic. Suddenly, I’m really not the guy for them. Well, practically, if they said that to me (in which 3 of them did), I would be on the plank, ready to fall to the sea again and become another fish waiting to be baited by other women. But I still don’t know why. Am I the type that you just leave at the friends zone ’cause you know I am only just going to break your heart? That I am fragile as hell, and you couldn’t bear the fact of hurting me? Or I couldn’t be trusted with the way I live? Or I just pummel myself to the girl I like and just don’t care what may happen? Well, for that, I’m not mad. I guess I am just not really the person I am for these girls. Clearly they don’t like to be with the person I grew up to be. It doesn’t suck, and I don’t even think that it sucks they don’t have me. Me and whoever that girl will always have that chemistry (without the timing), and that would stay put. But that will not stop me in finding the girl I would be with to live in the real world. I will move about myself and find the right girl, because that’s who I am. And someday, maybe not long, me finding and me waiting for that same girl, will meet halfway.
Maybe the girl I like now is. :)