Even though from the start I knew we were not meant to be, my heart told me one thing.. “Go ahead and love her.” I was not sure why, but I did. I never did regret anything, but right up to this very moment, I still cry whenever I remember.
The very first day of classes. I was scared at that time. I was alone, although that wasn’t new, I still felt that urge to relate. And then she came inside. I fell down to my knees, not literally though. She was the one that attracted my attention the most. She was really white, and very simple, and the way she smiles melts the core of my heart. I was sure she was the one, the one I will love. She sat right in front of me. That made my heat beat a lot faster. Maybe if the beat was loud, everyone looked at me the very moment she came in, and I would be embarrased, but I am glad it wasn’t, or maybe not.
I didn’t know what to do when I liked a girl, mostly if I just met her, so I actually did whatever I thought of. And it failed so bad. I looked like a stalker to her, I was caught red-handed too! Tough luck. But that was the way we met, pretty weird, huh?
We didn’t talk much in 5 months. Just casual talks, no opening, no sharing, no jokes, just plain talking when the group is brainstorming or eating. I didn’t mind much of what was happening, but I was starting to know her more. She was nice, nicer than anyone I’ve ever met. She laughed almost always, and has her way of teasing the members of our group. I always liked how she did that, never fails to make me smile. And in that manner, I realized, she was pulling me closer unconsciously. Her gravity was way more stronger than the way I feel normally. I started to care more, to keep an eye on her, to stay by her side, and to help her whenever she needs it, or even when she hasn’t even asked. And that was when I concluded..
I have fallen for her.
That feeling I got made me a bit stronger. Actually it changed me, a lot better than how I looked at myself the last time I felt change. And it was remarkable. That girl whom I met at the first day, changed me to this man in just a year.. I love her. Everyone knows, except her.
Yes, except her. No, I don’t know. I never told her. And I regret it. I never told her the way I feel about her. But not entirely. She was special to me, I told her that. But she didn’t want that treatment. Then I grew scared.. “What if I told her? what would she think of? What would happen to us?” And then I told myself, never mind, I am happy the way it is now, why bother? Yes, I know I would be the happiest man alive when she accepts me in another way, but I couldn’t take the risk. The risks were too high, and the rumors are in favor of losing. It was an 80-20 chance. And I didn’t risk. That’s why i regretted it. And now I have doubts. But it’s too late. She’s gone.
I always loved her spunk. I miss her so much. Never in a day that I have forgotten that smile in her face, the sweet voice when she talks, the silence when we are together, the annoying things she does that makes me smile and laugh, and the attitudes she has that makes her the perfect girl for me. She was everything to me, and I am nothing to her. That’s the sad reality.
I miss that girl. And I hope she’s doing fine. I still care for her so much, and of course, I still love her. It never felt wrong to love her. Even if I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. But just knowing she was there, gave meaning to what I was doing.
I love her.
But maybe, we were just not meant for each other.
Dated: July 28, 2010