Yeah. That’s how I am now. Influenced mainly by Renz and Pons with the Korean Culture. It has been a while ever since I opened this blog site. I mean, I was or am depressed in a way, that’s why I couldn’t face this site. More importantly, I am in combat with my innermost feelings. The constant alternate striking of the voices in my head and the extraordinary changes in my heart are becoming a fierce, fierce showdown. I don’t even know what to think.
It’s been almost 5 months since I have ever told anyone my true feelings. I still remember that fateful day–or was it? I don’t know how it became like this. Or maybe I do know, but I just couldn’t accept and forgive myself. It was constantly like this, and as far as I know of myself, it will stay like this. Maybe even forever. I have always foreseen problems with this kind of expressions of feelings but still, I say and say even without thinking for a third time. My brain sleeps almost all the time, and now at every failing confession, they change places. The brain wakes up and the heart takes a nap. Drags me out of my comfort zone and makes me utterly silent almost all the time–maybe all the time. It sucks and I don’t know how I can deal with it really. And with this happening, I just feel like I’ve lost another friend with my leap of faith.
Life’s a bitch, that’s the only thing I believe in. I may cursedly find destiny a big lie and timing an asshole throughout my life, but I will always find chemistry though as the best I can ever have with a girl. Maybe I was never brought to life to be loved by someone I unconditionally love. Maybe I was just here to become a friend of everybody who they can talk to, be cared and be protected. I am giving up searching for any other woman in my life and will just wait for this girl if that is what my destiny is. If we are meant to be. But if this blows off in about years or decades, I think I’d give up on love.